Smile Lines With the end of the tax year in mind.... A few more deductions and your take-home pay isn't going to be enough to get you there. A penny saved is a government oversight It should be easy for any government to please the people. All we want is lower taxes and more spending. The government not only has the bad habit of living beyond its income, but also beyond ours. Teacher: what is capital punishment? Pupil: It's when government sets up business in competition with you, and then takes all your profits with taxes in order to make up its loss. Battle fatigue The colonel got a case of cold feet before the battle. Calling his command together, he said: "Boys, we're going to licked, but you must fight as you never fought before. If worse comes to worse, run for it; as for me, I'm a little lame, so I'll start now." Ark de triumph? An inspector, examining a class in religious knowledge, asked the following question of a little girl, intending to catch her out: "What was the difference between Noah's Ark and Joan of Arc?" He was not a little surprised when the child, answering, said: "Noah's Ark was made of wood and Joan of Arc was maid of Orleans." Smallest cut 1st woman: You don't seem to think much of your husband. 2nd woman: If he had his conscience taken out, it
would be only a minor operation. Sound of Music Daughter: Did you ever hear anything so wonderful? (as the radio blasts out the latest music) Father:
Can't say I have, although I once heard a collision
between a truckload of milk cans and a car filled with
ducks. Still speaking A couple arrived late for church during the vicar's sermon. The church warden met them just outside the door. "Oh dear," said the woman, "has the vicar finished his sermon, then?" Sadly the churchwarden nodded. "Yes, in fact he finished his sermon shortly after he started, but he won't stop talking for a long while yet." Snob value A newly rich woman was trying to make an impression. "I clean my diamonds with ammonia, my rubies with wine, my emeralds with brandy and my sapphires with fresh milk." "Goodness," replied the quiet woman beside her. "When mine get dirty, I just throw them away." Martyr "My wife has suffered much for her belief," said the man. "She has so much faith, you see." "Indeed," replied his new friend, impressed. "What is her belief?" "That she can wear a size four shoe on a size six foot." What with the rise in house-prices.... "That fellow must live in a very small flat." "How can you tell?" "Why, haven't you noticed that his dog wags his tail up and down, instead of sideways?" Golf Golfer (far off in the rough) Say caddy, why do you keep looking at your watch? Caddy: It isn't a watch, sir, it's a compass. On holidayDiner: Do you serve crabs here? Waiter: Yes, sir. We serve anyone; sit down. What's missing? A tiny tot described the painting 'Whistler's Mother' as: "It shows a nice old lady waiting for the repairman to bring back her TV set." Notice: 'When this sign is out of sight, it is unsafe to cross this river.' Trees I think that I shall never see along the road an unscraped tree. with bark intact, and painted white, that no car ever hit at night. For every tree that's near the road has caused some auto to be towed. Sideswiping trees is done a lot by drivers who are plumb half shot. God gave them eyes so they might see, yet any fool can hit a tree. April rains The rain, though raining every day, upon the just and unjust fellow, falls chiefly on the just, because the unjust has the just's umbrella. From a pew-sheet: This evening at 7.00pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. The minister would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. What you are here for Have you ever wondered if your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others? Wrong time If you would like to live a quiet, peaceful, uneventful life, live some other time. |